Here she goes.......
WAIT!!!!!!!
There is noone there to catch her!!!......
Ooooooh!!!! Nooooo!!!!!............
When i lay awake at 3 am because i'm too dizzy and sick to my stomach to rest, when my mind it in a million places, i have these thoughts~
Mostly, i feel i live in this strange, ethereal realm~floating above, not allowing my feet to touch the ground~from up here, i can hold on better, it's true~i can usually hold that wall up, keep it strong for when the waves hit~but there are those times that they all come crashing down so hard and fast i have difficulty~
An old friend reminded me today to remember to breath~he said "breathing is best, takes care of everything if you really commit"~ Truth is, lately, i feel like i'm in a constant state of hyper ventilation! i used to feel like this when i was married to josh. i would wake up in a panic every morning, wondering what i'd done that would piss him off, or what i'd forgotten to do or put away or clean that would cause him to yell. What josh i'd get that day...angry, pissed off or oddly mellow~
The past year, i still panic about which josh i'll have to deal with, but at least i can walk away from his unhappy ass and deal with it on a different level~
The past few weeks, aside from being my busiest time of year, i've been mending a broken heart~i knew it was coming, i saw it long before it happened, i thought i'd braced myself for it, but in the end.....i've allowed more pain in than i thought i would~rhe unfortunate part of it all right now, what's got me in my head tonight is that i really thought i had an idea about what it was about...why i met him, why we had a beautiful romance, what i may have meant to him~but, i've had that carpet sort of pulled out from underneath me and i'm once again left flailing~wondering if it was all a facade.....
Now, i have my teenage son to try to reel back in~keeping him on solid ground is my main priority at the moment, and coming from someone who does not spend much time on solid ground....this is not an easy task~he's been so hurt and upset by his father's and my split, he's become very angry and bitter. I know my little boy is still in there, i catch a glimpse every now and again, but, he has put up a wall that will only get bigger if i don't start chipping away at it now~he and i used to be so close~he use to process everything with me~now, i can't even get a straight answer from him about his homework~all of his teachers say he's a good kid, very sweet and polite and a hard worker~all of these things i know~he's wonderful and talented and has an amazing heart~but, he's in pain and has been profoundly affected by the damage his father and i have inflicted on one another and he's been caught in many lies and unfortunate situations lately. All i can do is allow him to express himself with out stifling his growth, but how do i do this and not let him continue to drift out to sea with out a way to get back??? i know if i hold on too tight, heal kick and scream like a caged animal, but, i don't want to see this amazing being fall into a hole noone can dig him out of.....
My heart aches and i can't sleep and it's 4:30 am~
Dear Divine Mother,
please guide me
please allow me the strength i need
please remind me to breath
please allow my heart to continue to love and to be loved in return
please remain within me and bless me always
For this i am thankful
~OM SHANTI~
Sweet sister, I hear you! Sons, heartache, hyperventilation...all of it. Our boys are so similar to our own hearts... we need an orbit of safety in which to explode now and then...knowing we are surrounded in a warm loving embrace. Our boys press against that border, fighting it...certain of their safety only when that embrace doesn't falter, than they relax and feel...we are the same...we can't breathe, we hit the walls, we can't find that warm embrace, we spin and then we feel it...the infinite love that all arises in and from...and we relax, we breathe deep, we float on our own tears...we feel.
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